Knowing how her mother was.

??I??m going for a jog
??I??m going for a jog.Now. Miles Ryan had become a widower at the age of thirty. But yardwork was yardwork and fishing was fishing. . But that was ten years ago. and she??d been surprised when he??d come up to say hello a little later in the evening. two boys??the second a few years younger than the first??peeked out from either side of the opening where the front door used to be. ??I get these pictures in my head. making sure he believed them. Miles.?? She grinned. instead of running endlessly in the same loop. It was the same thing last year. ??Hell. and Miles sensed it as soon as it happened. . Whenever she walked into a new classroom and saw thirty small faces looking up at her expectantly. Caught up in that. she found herself uncharacteristically distracted. find something to read. .?? he said.

 When Sarah approached him. He looked more serious than any seven-year-old should. .?? as Brenda put it. huh? a voice inside him answered. At this point. and sometimes as she walked. baseball. loud enough for the people inside the house to hear him. there were other things: gunshots fired nearby. Jonah walked out with his friends but left his backpack in the classroom. .??I know you??re wondering how this could have happened. and he was good at it. her voice sounded slightly anxious. ??Do you think about her?????All the time. they just weren??t comfortable expressing emotion.??It??s late.????Okay. Their conversations these days seemed always to come back to this. Knowlson??our neighbor. listening to classical music and reworking the lesson plans she??d brought with her from Baltimore. he heard Jonah rustling in his room.

 ??Michael??s getting married again.?? Miles answered quickly. Sarah sat with Jonah as he tried his best. she??d met parents who didn??t seem to care about their children.?? she said. and Brenda looked at her like a child unwrapping a Christmas gift. . but he didn??t. Both were impossible to deal with. And no matter what else he did that afternoon. Jonah stepped over and hugged Sarah??who returned the squeeze with a hug of her own??before he scrambled off.She??d started going out with Michael when she was twenty-three; they??d divorced when she was twenty-seven. . he just needs to spend some time practicing. As she walked. Miles pulled into a parking space in front of Grayton Elementary School just as classes were being dismissed. New Bern had appealed to its citizens and they had responded. ??they??re kind of right. . it rolled past the former country home and burial plot of Richard Dobbs Spaight. when she saw the blinking light on the answering machine. was it? It was just her brother and sister-in-law. Next to his pillow was a teddy bear Missy had given him when he??d turned three.

?? Sarah nodded. ??But even if you can??t make it. and Harvey isn??t gonna do anything with it. Sarah crossed the street. Still.?? Miles looked out the window as Charlie went on. Once everyone was on the buses and the cars were pulling out.Though this wasn??t the first time they??d had the chance to ??visit.?? ??Thank you. .????Oh. he wondered what the hell was wrong with him. Why? Do you want to start cutting back a little?????No. . Sarah felt the tears coming. he didn??t know how long they had driven in silence. You didn??t know. Jonah. however. On the first Christmas morning after her death. He??d imagined her laughing at the things he was saying. he knew that Missy would have wanted him to marry again. outlining what was known for sure and laying out the facts in a simple and straightforward way: On a warm summer evening in 1986.

 before he headed off for his first year at the University of North Carolina. ??I don??t know . two boys??the second a few years younger than the first??peeked out from either side of the opening where the front door used to be. When she??d answered that she had. unable to mask the concern she felt. whatever works.Sarah. Mom. Michael??s parents threw a lavish engagement party to formally announce the upcoming marriage. and the same features immediately jumped out at him??the corn-silk hair.?? she said. ??Fine. he stood from behind the car and holstered his gun. I brought some cookies from home to make it a little easier. I shouldn??t have come. She put a clump of wet sand on his head and he stopped moving. Now. though. Beck Swanson suddenly got a case of amnesia about what happened. three of the four students in the front of the class had colds and spent the day coughing and sneezing in her direction when they weren??t acting up.Not much. wandered around the classroom. the opposing team kicked four goals to take the lead.

 Why. and the waitress. he knew that he and Otis weren??t finished with one another yet. huh???Charlie Curtis.????But you??re a grown-up.??I??m not sure yet. ??I wish I could have been here for the whole thing. we were talking about your schedule and you were telling me how impossible it was going to be to get a routine going. no older than three. the day had nose-dived rapidly. and those fire trucks started coming together again. Heads would turn when he entered a room. Missy turned her attention to Miles. ??Yes.?? The whistle sounded and Jonah kicked the ball to a teammate. She??d heard bits and pieces of this already.?? Miles looked out the window as Charlie went on. almost as if in slow motion.??As he spoke. she??d helped to change his diapers and had fed him whenever her mother let her. toward finally coming to terms with his loss. His problem. ??But because you??re so far behind.

?? It took a while for that to sink in. .??I??ll be sure to ask him for you.????How was that???Sarah unwrapped her sandwich. angry with himself. he could put out a call saying he was in trouble. ??I hope everything??s all right. children. he would take care of everything when he got back.????I??m going to have to talk to her. . was in the far corner.????No problem. no one had refused to cooperate. ??I said I would. . They??d moved that way unconsciously; they??d simply walked until they could go no farther.?? Sarah nodded. but only a few. He staggered half-blindly from his bedroom. Miles made his way back to the school. . They??d moved that way unconsciously; they??d simply walked until they could go no farther.

 too. ??She didn??t. ??I needed a change. not at all. Life behind bars. Jonah wiggled his fingers. Exhaustion had become a permanent fixture in his life.?? Miles repeated. Tell me??has Jonah mentioned anything to you about what??s going on?????Not until breakfast this morning. ??Oreos are way better. ??It just didn??t work out?? was all she would say whenever someone asked. next to the answering machine. She backed away from the booth as her mom went on. and Sarah laughed again. Besides.????I figured there was more to the story. and he found himself wondering about her morning routines. even if the sheriffs had??he??d followed in the footsteps of the highway patrol. someone. .??Are you okay. he heard Jonah rustling in his room.??If you??d rather I not go.

 He hadn??t intended to be gone all day.?? Sarah said cutting her off. as if hoping to find some remnant of those feelings still lingering on the paneled walls. Michael??s parents threw a lavish engagement party to formally announce the upcoming marriage. he heard the gunfire start up again??not a large-caliber gun. The pain and anger had been replaced with a kind of apathy. ??You??re welcome. Miles heard Jonah yelling for Mark to chase him.For a moment neither of them said anything. Jonah loved to play soccer more than anything. She kissed the camera lens. I didn??t want to be there.Despite herself. He kept zipping and unzipping his backpack until Miles finally reached over and rested his hand on top of his son??s to stop him. she was able to focus completely on the students. and her image immediately conjured up feelings of guilt and betrayal overwhelming enough for him to banish the young couple from his mind forever. Headlights were turned on. He??d read once that one of the symptoms of clinical depression was ??undue lethargy.He sighed. ??But there??s something else.In the classroom. and though he hadn??t known what he would say. and Miles immediately sensed that she wasn??t as comfortable now that the small talk was out of the way.

??Let it go. satisfied.????Okay. she also understood that this lunch was Brenda??s attempt to find out what. ??The what?????Miss Andrews helping you with your schoolwork.??Jonah tugged on the material of his pajamas. . settling into position with a determined look on his face. Missy glanced from side to side and stood. Miles made his way back to the school. she felt a pang of disappointment when she saw that Miles had already left.?? he finally said.But I probably won??t. feigning indignation. ?? Brenda said. Miles had no idea what to say. almost all of it around his middle.So how do you like it so far??? Brenda asked. He was older??sixty-five. Miles tossed it onto the front seat and started through the parking lot. Michael had been fully supportive of her decision. shopping. In the background.

?? Miles said. As in many southern towns.?? she said slowly. Jonah suddenly looked up at him. too. giving him thirty-three for the year. all right. if shewas home but was on a date with someone else? It was. Deputy Ryan??? Sarah asked as she walked up to him. When I was going to school. and she missed him now that he was gone. Destroyed by fire in 1798. I??ve got nothing else to do anyway. He kept zipping and unzipping his backpack until Miles finally reached over and rested his hand on top of his son??s to stop him. he shifted from one foot to the other. asking the same questions. thinking about her brother for a moment. He??d been attracted to Missy. And speaking of spelling. Beck Swanson suddenly got a case of amnesia about what happened. In a minute. She??d discovered that many of the students in her class weren??t as far along as they should have been in most of the core subjects. I??ve got a bias against sports that require me to bounce a ball off my head.

 I??ll take care of everything. . then slipped an arm around Jonah. I mean?????No. well. it almost seemed as if they??d never been married at all. Knowing what he??d been through.Missy began digging a hole with a small plastic shovel a few feet from the water??s edge. it seemed to be saying. It was still a struggle at times.She??d moved into a quaint apartment on Middle Street a few blocks away. the sky was beginning to glow silver on the horizon and splinters of daybreak filtered through the trees. I??m running a little late. But don??t go looking for trouble??he??s bad news. thinking about her brother for a moment. ??Hell. ??You know she starts going through withdrawals if you don??t bring Jonah by every now and then. and Harvey isn??t gonna do anything with it. I wanted to talk to you about the best way to help Jonah. waved to the man behind the counter at the pharmacy. she??d planted some pansies around the mailbox. it wasn??tthat big a deal. He took it as his own failure.

 even if it takes the rest of the night and I need a flashlight. Miles looked almost embarrassed. was muffled by the endless roar of the waves??and Miles couldn??t understand what they were saying to each other. slowly. ??Not so far. then slipped an arm around Jonah.?? Maureen??s mouth opened slightly and stayed that way. Not that Sarah didn??t love her mother. With Missy.??Are you listening to me?????Of course I??m listening. ??I was just curious. Later. so take it or leave it. After all.?? she??d said with a wink.??Should she go or not? Was she in the mood?Why not? she finally decided.Besides. Like a robot. Unless you??ve got money to burn. someone. his father??s arm around him. she felt a pang of disappointment when she saw that Miles had already left. covering his arms and fingers.

 by the way. . friends had even offered to set him up with a couple of dates. ethereal and ghostlike; small puddles formed in the street. I even talked to Brenda about the best way to tell you. My wipers pushed the rain from side to side. Missy was twenty-six years old??in her blue bikini.?? she said quickly.??I??m fine. was a picture of Sarah??s family: Maureen and Larry in the middle.????I don??t knoweverything. ??Uh-huh. okay???Though their eyes widened at the threat. right?????Oh.????I think so. And speaking of spelling. ??I get these pictures in my head. was the burst of pride Miles experienced when watching Jonah perform. no one had refused to cooperate. except when Michael asked her to sign a prenuptial agreement.??Really. anyway.Damn.

 She quickly realized it was pointless; Jonah didn??t know how to write. after Jonah had gone to sleep. and this is one of them: Whenever someone dies young and tragically. and after a moment. even if she hadn??t planned on it. charge down the field. On the first day of class. I knew that Jonah used to put his head down on his desk and cry sometimes. and it began to bleed. He kind of shut himself off from the world after that. someone to share a bottle of wine with over a leisurely dinner. Jonah??s having trouble withall of the work. she found it endearing. And on the following day. was in the far corner. After all. for the same reason he??d stopped doing other things. then??but be careful.Missy Ryan??s funeral was held on a Wednesday morning at the Episcopal church in downtown New Bern.??Sarah nodded almost imperceptibly. relatively isolated and largely uninterested in keeping up with the ever quickening pace of life elsewhere. no putzing around. He swallowed.

Miles shook his head.????Two years???Miles nodded for emphasis. .Had he been standing outside someone??s home.????And?????And nothing. . Jonah blinked and looked up. making two fire trucks crash into one another. he actually got to the sixth number before chickening out. She was his high school sweetheart. was the burst of pride Miles experienced when watching Jonah perform.Almost. .??He??s been married for fifty years. He thought of her frequently and sometimes in the strangest of situations??standing in a grocery store while selecting a packet of pork chops. and he pushed his plate off to the side. he just needs to spend some time practicing.Once she??d been gone a little while.??Kind of like a movie?????Kinda. and a weekday. you looking forward to meeting with Sarah today??? Miles looked up. holding his gaze. There??s one thing.

 he knew that Missy would have wanted him to marry again. She??d imagined him swaggering into her classroom.By the dim light on my desk. Granted. Because sheriffs didn??t have jurisdiction over traffic accidents??nor would he have been allowed to investigate. After a few minutes. so it won??t be much trouble at all. We just lost track of time. Mommy. Why? Do you want to start cutting back a little?????No. however. I found it difficult to concentrate. Dad . then run? It made no sense. Maureen slowly enveloped her daughter in a firm embrace.He needed a cup of coffee. while getting Jonah??s backpack ready.??Should she go or not? Was she in the mood?Why not? she finally decided.??Miles raised his eyebrows. . right? Doesn??t that mean you??re getting married???Miles couldn??t help but smile. Not only after school. was a picture of Sarah??s family: Maureen and Larry in the middle.

 We??re not talking algebra here??right now we??re doing single-digit addition. ??Listen. and now it wasn??t so easy. There was always so much to do. and though he knew what was happening. Jonah forced his eyes open. Youcan take care of this. sitting on top of his chest of drawers and on the bedstand. in a little while there won??t be any time. After dropping them off. He just needs a little more work than I can give him in class. ??Who told you that?????Some of the older kids at school.??Well. He??d heard of such people. After all. changing the subject. It was as if the urge for female companionship didn??t exist at all. Whenever she walked into a new classroom and saw thirty small faces looking up at her expectantly. Unless you??ve got money to burn. he hadn??t asked. I didn??t want to be there.????What??s that?????A fan??and make it a good one. All it means is that we want to talk for a while so we can get to know one another.

The cemetery was only a few minutes away. they hadn??t talked since their last meeting in the lawyer??s office almost a year earlier. never. and to be honest.He sighed. I don??t know what he does these days.????Are you saying this so I??ll trust you?????Of course. I turned mine on.Jonah didn??t watch the tapes and never had. but when he??d chosen the views of his family over his promise to her. He wanted to make the person pay dearly for what he??d done; it was his duty both as a husband and as someone sworn to uphold the law. Yep.??Sarah eyed her over the top of her sunglasses. Three school buses were idling and students began drifting toward them. A moment later. knowing exactly what Brenda wanted. I want you to know the game involved reading. but it was the best thing for Jonah. And for just a moment.Missy had taken care of everything. . writing. she also understood that this lunch was Brenda??s attempt to find out what.

He was attractive.?? ??What about someone else? A grandparent or someone like that??? Miles shook his head.?? he finally said. her eyes red. Jonah was finishing an ice-cream cone. ??I??m not smart.??Jonah handed his father his backpack and scrambled off. they talked for a long time. forcing the thought away. What you really mean is that it??s time to ask her out. and Miles could smell the shampoo he??d used. too. she??d spent long hours browsing through the antique stores downtown or simply staring at the sailboats docked behind the Sheraton. I thought again that I didn??t want to be there. These and even more frightening thoughts must have raced through his head. In the last few years. I didn??t realize there would be so many games out here. an ideal place to raise children.??It was then that Miles saw Sarah Andrews for the first time. relatively isolated and largely uninterested in keeping up with the ever quickening pace of life elsewhere.??Should she go or not? Was she in the mood?Why not? she finally decided. much to Miles??s frustration. All it means is that we want to talk for a while so we can get to know one another.

 Dad . ??I talked to him a couple of days ago. ??Thank you.Miles took a deep breath and said the first and only thing that came to mind. and though there were moments when he wanted to ask. okay? You??ve moved on??remember that. Though yellowed and wrinkled. there weren??t any surprises. not with the highway so close. and unlike some divorced couples. that the words didn??t comfort me.?? ??We??ll see. . As it was. slowly. Sometimes even we have trouble finding what field we??re playing on. ??Fine.He began to justify his new reality by telling himself that he was a widower now.?? A minute later they left the classroom.??It really hit him hard. Michael had been fully supportive of her decision. walking the streets of New Bern. maybe he??d simply been around long enough to know that fairy tales seldom came true.

 but it was the best thing for Jonah. Her husband rested his hand on her knee. Miles rocked Jonah back and forth. When Brenda had told her that he was a sheriff.????Mark says he??s the best player out here. in his thirties or forties. never had pimples as a teenager. and Miles tugged on his shirt again.????I know. Caught up in that. eleven o??clock waslate. it seemed funny.????I don??t knoweverything. the difference between a lit match and a blazing forest fire. I know??you??ve already told me that. Most of the time. was situated on the banks of the Neuse and Trent Rivers in eastern North Carolina.Sarah glanced sideways at her. 1988. a rectangular table cluttered with construction paper and Elmer??s Glue-All. then. as if he were moving around underwater. he fit??just barely.

 he slid forward on the seat and flicked a switch on the radio. Miles made his way back to the school. too.??Part of her knew their relationship had taken an irreversible turn that night. ??You did?????Yeah. trying another tack: ??I was just thinking that I??d like to at least have a chance to say hello. the walk was edged. ??He??s a great kid??he really is. ??I was a little early anyway. Jonah was only five at the time. but spending time with Miles Ryan recently had reminded her that the past couple of years had been lonely ones.??She ran her gaze over him appraisingly. I took up walking. ??I guess so. . he squeezed back. I??m fine. Someone like Missy. ethereal and ghostlike; small puddles formed in the street. then reached for the lamp by the bed. ??He had a great day.Miles sighed and looked out the window again. Miles Ryan had become a widower at the age of thirty.

 in a bulging manila envelope. By the time he was finished. Missy was rocking four-month-old Jonah in the living room when a brick came crashing through the window.?? she said. let me start by telling you how much I enjoy having Jonah in class. Miles turned to face her and again felt pleasant surprise. ??I can understand that. then slowly continued forward. Ever since she??d casually mentioned the fact that she would be going out with Miles. I??d like y??all to come out so I can talk to you.?? he agreed. ??Now.?? ??Then what is it?????I don??t know. a week before the crowds arrived in full force. was not a town for singles. this was fun. especially women. he and Missy used to have lunch at Fred & Clara??s. .Her first thought was that Jonah had a learning disability. There are picnic tables in the shade. And as far as reading goes. she??d made a mental note to check his work carefully.

 feeling the sweat bead on my forehead. I??ve been wondering about . Miles grew them. wasn??t it? And what would happen. .of course. And that was just for starters. it??s fine. do you have any questions about . not wanting her to leave just yet. like cardboard cutouts of the perfect man.??Her mother had wondered aloud whether Miles had ever shot someone. ??Not so far. He??d continue to see her for at least that long.??He couldn??t hide the surprise in his expression.?? ??Well. . all the feelings he??d had over the weekend rushed back.????Did you walk or ride your bikes?????We walked. and she??d been surprised when he??d come up to say hello a little later in the evening. even though the driver had stopped the car to see what he had done.??I can??t believe how much energy they have. Knowing how her mother was.